I’m Not Dead

Really, I’m not. I know I haven’t updated here since Christmas, but I have an excuse. Well, a lot of them. None are very good. I was back in America for three weeks, for one. I took a few other vacation days to travel around Korea. When I was writing in between all that I was trying to finish a script for the new season of English Drama Club. I went to Seoul for a Saint Patrick’s Day festival. I climbed a couple mountains. But mostly? Mostly I’ve been lazy.
Okay, so I go to work and all of that, but the days of, “Holy crap I’m in Korea and must use every second to live life to the fullest and experience everything I can while I’m here!!!” are, well, gone. The starry-eyed optimism of a newcomer has been replaced with the glazed-over expression of a jaded veteran. Who brought his Xbox back from America.
When I first arrived a little over a year ago I was bubbling over with excitement. I may have even vomited a little pure excitement here and there. People who’d been here far longer than a few days gave me warnings, like, “Some older people hate foreigners,” “Your school will sometimes be very frustrating to deal with,” and, “For the love of God make sure you center yourself before pooping in the squat pots.” I, of course, ignored their warnings, thinking that my new home could do no wrong.
And now I’m the one giving the unsolicited advice when I run into new folks around town. Granted, if I have any advice to give to them, it’d be these three things: don’t take crap from your school, be persistent, and no matter what it looks or smells like you should probably eat it at least once because it might be delicious. But part of growing accustomed to a new place and new culture is growing accustomed to the things that bother you about it. And nothing puts those things in sharper relief quite like a little time back in the homeland.
When I arrived back at Incheon International Airport from my time in the good old Midwest, one of my biggest pet peeves about life in Korea was on full display immediately. Line etiquette. By which I don’t just mean standing in line, I more mean lines that form where none should. Specifically escalators. I was spoiled on escalators from my time in London, where it is considered extraordinarily rude to not keep to the right in case someone’s in a hurry. In Korea, the modus operandi is to ensure that no one can ever, ever pass you no matter how much they want to.

Are you in a group of two or more? Stand next to each other, please. Only one of you? Stand right in the middle, maybe taking a wide stance to ensure thin folks have no shot at moving up, either. If someone asks you to move, it is improper to move on the first ask unless you’re feeling charitable. Why is this? Honestly, I have no idea. My working theory is that people in this country work so hard that if a machine offers to do the moving for them, even for a little while, they are going to damn well accept the welcome respite.

Another important rule is to rush to get on the escalator before anyone else for maximum standing-around efficiency.

So what would be my very best advice to a new native-speaking English teacher in Korea? Simple. Take the stairs, you lazy so-and-so. By the time you get up to the top you’ll have saved yourself plenty of standing-around-with-people’s-butts-in-your-face time, and maybe you’ll even feel like you got a little exercise. The best part? Those stairs are all yours. Nobody ever uses them.

Those people at the top are just cardboard cutouts posing for the picture. 

But hey, that’s really my biggest complaint. I hate using escalators here. I can deal with it  because I can avoid them. In America, it was impossible to avoid the things that annoyed me to no end, specifically neckbeards and hipsters (and they often go together).

That’s all I have to say for today, dear readers. I hope that my next post will come along much, much faster than this one did. I must now return to the arms of my one true love, for she is a harsh and demanding mistress. ‘Til next time!

Oh, how I long for your embrace. And to think, I nearly cheated on you with donuts!