Hello. My name is Jake. With no jobs to spare for liberal arts graduates back in the homeland, I've packed up and moved to the South Korean city of Daejeon to teach English. What follows are the often profane ramblings of a disgruntled ex-pat.
One of the first things a teacher of the Korean language will teach their bright-eyed new student is how to say the number eighteen. This is not because it’s a terribly important number to know. In real life I hardly ever have to count above ten, which is a fact I tried telling every math teacher I’ve had since I was six. No, a foreigner in Korea must know the number eighteen because it’s useful to be aware of the care that must be taken in pronouncing it correctly: Shib pahl. You see, if you say it wrong, specifically if you say shi pahl, people will think you’re saying something rather rude.
Translation: Is it “fuck”?
Now rest assured, the above scenario did not actually play out in my classroom. Only just about every time I have tried to count above seventeen in Korean. I am considerably luckier than a friend of mine, who found out in a class full of twelve year old girls just how close “Japanese self-defense force” (jawidae) is to “masturbation force” (jawigun).
Just use your imagination, perv.
And then there are the homonyms. For instance, igoseun eum-o iyeyo can mean one of two things. It can mean, “This is a conspiracy,” which might be something you would want to know if you were detained in Incheon International Airport because your beard was too bushy. It can also mean, “This is pubic hair,” in which case the airport security might assume you have glued said lower body hair to your face to supplement your undoubtedly pathetic, patchy attempt at a neckbeard.
Of course, this sort of thing is a pitfall of learning just about any language. A student in one of my classes last year stumbled on the spelling of the word “fishing’” and told the class all about how he spent his summer “fisting at the lake”. But when it comes to Korean, I seem to tumble into this one more often than I really should. For example, in my very first lesson with my new Korean language tutor, I attempted to write a sentence that begins with the Korean ‘I’: cheo neun. I instead managed to write cheo nyeon. So instead of saying “I am American,” I told my now shocked teacher that in fact, “That bitch is American.”
And the writing of it is really the least of my problems. As English speakers, we tend to run our syllables together. That’s just how we talk. Do that in Korean, and you’ll get yourself slapped right quick. Take a different variation on the same problematic word: Geu nyeo neun nae chingu iyaeyo means, “She is my friend.” A lovely way to introduce someone to your Korean pals. Misplace one letter on a single syllable, however: Geu nyeon eun nae chingu iyaeyo, and you will gleefully let your native-speaking friends know that “This bitch is my friend.”
Let's play "Spot the Misplaced Consonant Character!"
When you sign up to learn a language, people talk about expanding your horizons, learning about a different culture, and making friends from around the world. What nobody ever tells you is that you’ll subject yourself to endless humiliation and pants-loading embarrassment every time you actually try to use your new skills. The more I practice using Korean in my day to day life, the more I understand why eighty percent of my students are terrified of speaking English in front of anyone else.
Anyways, below you’ll find the latest update on my dramatic endeavors here in Korea. That’s right, you get two posts for the price of one today! Don’t you feel special? Yes, yes you do. ‘Til next time, dear readers!
That’s right, it finally happened. Just like his character in the popular Saint Paul-based film The Mighty Ducks, I led a ragtag group of kids up against highly trained, more experienced teams. And thanks to my inspiring leadership, we were victorious.
Okay, actually the kids and my co-teacher Seonmi did most of the work. But I’m still quite proud of our middle school’s English drama team. We were the youngest group by far in west Daejeon’s drama final, with four first graders in our cast of nine. Up against teams made entirely of third graders with more English and acting experience, they came out swinging and earned first place overall!
But never has the difference between coaching young actors in the USA versus here in Korea been more stark. This show was for competition, and the judges expect big voices and big motions. They want to be able to understand what the students are saying through their gestures as much as through the words. A big dose of silliness never hurts, either. The result is a whole lot of adorableness with heaping helping of ridiculous sound effects and music cues. Just so you’re aware of what you’re getting into if you choose to click on the video below.
The script is posted below the video. I’d recommend two windows to follow along if you have trouble with the sound quality or the pronunciation (although I think their pronunciation was pretty darn good).
THE REAL HANSEL AND GRETEL
(The play starts in Mother’s house. HANSEL and GRETEL are playing computer games. Firing guns and other game noises can be heard. The FAIRY GODMOTHER is standing stage right.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Hello, everyone! Now, I bet you think you already know the story of Hansel and Gretel. You know, the two children who run away into the woods and meet a wicked witch who wants to eat them? Well, you see, that story’s not really how it all went.
Today, I am going to tell you the true story of Hansel and Gretel. And, like any good story, it begins with, “Once upon a time…”
(The Fairy Godmother steps out of the way as MOTHER enters from stage left.)
HANSEL
That’s stupid! I killed you first!
GRETEL
No way, I killed you first!
HANSEL
Nuh uhhh!
MOTHER
Hansel! Gretel! It’s time for your chores!
GRETEL
Chores? But it’s Saturday!
MOTHER
And you have to help around the house! It’ll only take an hour.
HANSEL
A whole hour? No way.
MOTHER
And don’t forget, you need to finish your homework before you go to bed so we can visit Grandma tomorrow.
GRETEL
Homework? But it’s Saturdaaay!
MOTHER
So put the games down and get to work.
(Hansel and Gretel ignore Mother.)
GRETEL
Oh, I got you again!
HANSEL
You’re the worst!
GRETEL
No, you’re the worst!
(Mother mimes pulling out the plug for the TV.)
HANSEL & GRETEL
Moooooooooom!
MOTHER
Get to work, kids!
(Mother exits. Fairy Godmother stops the action with her magic wand.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Hansel and Gretel were less than happy with Mother for this. Of course they were! What kind of parent asks their child nicely to do work on a perfectly good Saturday? So they came up with a plan for revenge!
(Fairy Godmother starts the action again.)
GRETEL
I have an idea.
HANSEL
Me too!
GRETEL
Let’s say it at the same time!
HANSEL & GRETEL
One, two, three! We should run away! Hey! That’s just what I was thinking!
HANSEL
Where should we go?
GRETEL
How about the forest?
HANSEL
The scary haunted forest with the wolves and witches?
GRETEL
Yeah, they’ll never think to look for us there! We can play all Saturday long!
HANSEL
Good thinking, sis!
(Fairy Godmother freezes the action again.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Boy, Hansel and Gretel sure are smart, aren’t they? They packed up a lunch of sandwiches and pop and made for the forest. The scary one with all the wolves and witches…
(Scene change. We are in a forest now, with a large bush to hide behind. Hansel is eating his sandwich, and Gretel carries a picnic basket.)
GRETEL
Hansel, save that for later! You’ll be hungry if you don’t!
HANSEL
But I’m hungry now.
GRETEL
We left five minutes ago!
(A scary growling noise is heard from behind the bush.)
HANSEL
What was that?
GRETEL
It sounded like…
(THE BIG BAD WOLF leaps out from behind a bush. He is small, and looks very nice.)
HANSEL & GRETEL
A WOLF!!!
(They run screaming.)
BIG BAD WOLF
Hey, wait! Wait!
(Hansel stops running and looks back at the Wolf.)
GRETEL
It’s a trick! The Big Bad Wolf will eat us up!
BIG BAD WOLF
What? No I won’t! I just smelled your sandwich.
HANSEL
Get away from us you beast!
BIG BAD WOLF
No, really! I’m super-hungry. Is that peanut butter and jelly?
(Big Bad Wolf reaches for the sandwich.)
HANSEL
Hey! Hands off!
GRETEL
Come on, Hansel! Wolves are dangerous. We shouldn’t stick around.
BIG BAD WOLF
I’m not dangerous. Who told you that?
GRETEL
Everyone knows that. Wolves eat people all the time. Haven’t you ever heard of Little Red Riding Hood?
BIG BAD WOLF
That whole story was a lie! I did dress like an old lady, but it was Halloween and I did not eat anybody!
HANSEL
What about the Three Little Pigs?
BIG BAD WOLF
I know those pigs. They’re nothing but bullies.
GRETEL
Huh?
BIG BAD WOLF
They’re the ones that ran around telling everyone I was big and bad. They were making fun of me because I’m small. And I don’t even eat pork! I’m a vegetarian!
HANSEL
That’s not very nice of them.
BIG BAD WOLF
It wasn’t very nice of you to run away from me.
HANSEL
Sorry. Here, you want the rest of my sandwich?
BIG BAD WOLF
Yeah, thanks!
(Hansel gives the Wolf his sandwich, who eats it while making growling Wolf noises.)
GRETEL
Hansel! What if you get hungry later?
HANSEL
We can share your sandwich.
GRETEL
I’m not sharing. Come on, Hansel, let’s get out of here.
BIG BAD WOLF
Hey, if you see those three little pigs, could you tell them you saw me? And that I’m a pretty nice guy?
GRETEL
Sure, whatever.
(Fairy Godmother freezes the action again.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
So Hansel and Gretel narrowly escaped from being supper for the Big Bad Wolf.
BIG BAD WOLF
(Still eating the sandwich.)
That’s not very nice, you know!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Quiet, you! I’m telling the story. Hansel and Gretel continued their adventure in the forest, and soon came across some very interesting houses…
(Hansel and Gretel exit. The 3 LITTLE PIGS enter with their houses, and Hansel and Gretel enter after them.)
HANSEL
Hey, we should see if there’s anyone inside. I’m hungry.
GRETEL
I told you, you shouldn’t have shared your sandwich with the wolf.
(Hansel goes to the first little houseand knocks.)
LITTLE PIG 1
Who is it?
HANSEL
It’s Hansel! I was wondering if you had any food.
LITTLE PIG 1
I do have food.
HANSEL
Could I have a bite?
LITTLE PIG 1
Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!
(LITTLE PIG 1 reaches out of her house and high-fives LITTLE PIG 2 in her house next door. Hansel goes to the next house.)
HANSEL
Hello?
LITTLE PIG 2
What do you want?
HANSEL
I’m just a little hungry. Can I come in?
LITTLE PIG 2
Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!
(All three pigs laugh and high-five each other.)
GRETEL
You know, you guys aren’t very nice.
HANSEL
Yeah, the wolf was right about you!
LITTLE PIG 1
The wolf?
LITTLE PIG 2
The big wolf?
LITTLE PIG 3
The big bad wolf?
(The pigs laugh again.)
HANSEL
I guess so. But he’s not very big, and he was really nice!
LITTLE PIG 2
It’s no way for a wolf to behave!
LITTLE PIG 3
He’s more afraid of us than we are of him!
(The pigs laugh again.)
GRETEL
Maybe it’s because of how mean you are.
HANSEL
Yeah, if you were nicer maybe you’d have more friends.
LITTLE PIG 2
And how many friends do you children have?
LITTLE PIG 1
Not many, I bet!
GRETEL
That’s not true. We have friends. Like… um… Hansel?
HANSEL
Errrr…
LITTLE PIG 2
Not so great yourselves are you?
HANSEL
Maybe not. We were pretty mean to Mom before, Gretel.
GRETEL
Yeah, maybe.
LITTLE PIG 2
Well, isn’t this touching?
LITTLE PIG 3
Heartwarming!
LITTLE PIG 1
Adorable!
(The pigs all laugh again.)
HANSEL
Laugh if you want, but what happens when a real Big Bad Wolf comes?
GRETEL
Maybe then you’ll wish you’d been nicer, so you’d have friends to help you.
LITTLE PIG 2
Hmm…
LITTLE PIG 1
I think they might be right.
LITTLE PIG 3
Maybe we should apologize to the Wolf.
LITTLE PIG 2
Maybe so.
(The Fairy Godmother steps forward as the Pigs move their houses offstage.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Thanks to the adorable children, Hansel and Gretel, the Three Little Pigs were soon the best of friends with the Big Bad Wolf. Meanwhile, Hansel and Gretel tried to find their way home to their mother, but soon found that they were lost, deep in the forest…
GRETEL
If you hadn’t eaten your whole sandwich we could have left pieces of it to help us get home!
HANSEL
It’s not my fault! It was your idea to come into the forest.
(Hansel grabs his stomach.)
I’m so hungry.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Just then, they came upon a very strange sight. It was another house, but this one was made of candy! And cookies! And sweets!
(The WICKED WITCH’S house comes onstage, carried by the witch.)
HANSEL
Gretel, do you see that? Or am I going crazy?
GRETEL
It’s a house made of candy!
(Hansel runs to the house and starts pulling pieces of it off and eating them.)
GRETEL
Hansel, wait! Maybe we shouldn’t eat the house. What if someone lives there?
HANSEL
Candy is for eating, Gretel. If they didn’t want me to eat their house, they wouldn’t have made it out of candy.
GRETEL
Good point.
(Gretel joins her brother and they both start eating the candy off the house.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
The hungry children were so grateful for the food that they didn’t even notice the mean, wicked, ugly old witch come out of her house!
(The WICKED WITCH comes out from behind the house and watches the children.)
WICKED WITCH
Hello there, little children.
(Hansel and Gretel turn around, see the witch, and wave. Their mouths are too full to speak.)
WICKED WITCH
What are you doing way out here in the forest?
(Hansel and Gretel shrug.)
WICKED WITCH
You must be so hungry!
(Hansel and Gretel nod.)
WICKED WITCH
And tired!
(Hansel and Gretel nod.)
WICKED WITCH
Come inside! You can rest and I will cook something for you.
(Hansel and Gretel high five. The witch goes into the house.)
GRETEL
Should we go? It might be dangerous.
HANSEL
She has a candy house in the middle of the woods! What could possibly be dangerous about that?
GRETEL
Again, good point.
(Hansel and Gretel follow the Wicked Witch.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Meanwhile, the Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad, mean, scary old wolf had apologized to each other and made friends.
(Music. The Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf all enter together, dancing around like the best of friends.Suddenly, the Wolf stops everything.)
BIG BAD WOLF
Stop!
LITTLE PIG 1
Why?
LITTLE PIG 2
What is it?
BIG BAD WOLF
Those two children! I can smell them! And they’re heading for… the Wicked Witch’s house!
(The Three Little Pigs all gasp.)
LITLE PIG 3
Not… the Wicked Witch!
BIG BAD WOLF
Yes… the Wicked Witch!
LITTLE PIG 2
Oh no!
BIG BAD WOLF
We have to help them!
LITTLE PIG 1
I’m afraid!
LITTLE PIG 2
Yeah, we’re just little pigs, and you’re a big, bad wolf! Maybe you should go help them!
BIG BAD WOLF
I can’t do it all by myself. I need your help.
(The Three Little Pigs all look at each other.)
LITTLE PIG 2
Fine. We’ll help. Which way do we go?
BIG BAD WOLF
Just follow your nose!
(The Wolf runs offstage, sniffing, and the Three Little Pigs follow. The Fairy Godmother steps forward.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Back at the Witch’s house, the adorable heroes have found themselves in hot water.
(A jail cell is brought on (the candy house, flipped backwards), and Hansel and Gretel are trapped inside.)
WICKED WITCH
You think you can just go around eating people’s houses?
GRETEL
Not usually.
HANSEL
Only if they’re made of candy.
WICKED WITCH
No! You can’t!
HANSEL
But I was hungry!
WICKED WITCH
Well, guess what? I’m hungry now. Do you know what’s for dinner?
HANSEL & GRETEL
Umm… candy?
WICKED WITCH
Wrong! Children!
(The Wicked Witch laughs.)
HANSEL
Uh oh.
GRETEL
We have to get out of here!
WICKED WITCH
There is no way out! I made that prison myself… with magic!
(The Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs enter.)
BIG BAD WOLF
Wicked Witch, Wicked Witch, can I come in?
WICKED WITCH
No! I’m getting ready to stew some children!
BIG BAD WOLF
Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll bloooooooow your house in!
WICKED WITCH
Really? I thought you’d eat it.
HANSEL
It’s the Wolf!
GRETEL
He’s here to rescue us!
(The Big Bad Wolf tries to blow the house over. Of course, it doesn’t work.)
LITTLE PIG 2
Come on, Pigs! Let’s help him!
(The Big Bad Wolf keeps blowing, and the Pigs lift up the ‘house’ and tip it over.)
WICKED WITCH
Noooo! My evil magic candy house!
(The Little Pigs surround the Witch threateningly.)
LITTLE PIG 2
You’d better get out of here, Wicked Witch.
LITTLE PIG 1
Before we show you how big and bad Little Pigs can be.
WICKED WITCH
Okay, I’m leaving!
(The Wicked Witch runs away.)
GRETEL
Wow, thanks guys!
BIG BAD WOLF
It’s nothing. We couldn’t leave you here with that mean old Witch.
LITTLE PIG 2
Not after you helped us become friends.
LITTLE PIG 1 & 2
Yeah!
HANSEL
See, Pigs? I told you the Wolf was nice.
GRETEL
Come on Hansel, we should try to get home.
HANSEL
But we don’t even know which way to go!
BIG BAD WOLF
I can help you with that! I’ll just sniff my way there! Follow me!
(The Big Bad Wolf follows his nose offstage, and Hansel, Gretel, and the Little Pigs follow.The Fairy Godmother steps forward.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
So the Big Bad Wolf led the children back to their mother. Goodness, I sure hope Mother changed her mind about all that homework and those awful chores, don’t you?
(Mother enters, looking this way and that.)
MOTHER
Hansel? Gretel? Where are you?
(Hansel and Gretel enter and run to their mother, giving her a big hug.)
HANSEL & GRETEL
Mom!
MOTHER
You’re home! Where have you been?
HANSEL
We went into the forest!
GRETEL
We met a friendly wolf!
HANSEL
And some pigs!
GRETEL
And a witch tried to eat us!
MOTHER
What were you doing in the forest?
GRETEL
We didn’t want to do our work on a Saturday.
HANSEL
But it’s fine now, Mom! We’ll do all our chores and homework!
GRETEL
We learned our lesson.
HANSEL
We have to help people and be nice so others will help us when we need it!
MOTHER
Well… okay! Good!
(Fairy Godmother steps forward.)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
The children learned a great lesson and the Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs became friends. This is the end of the true story of Hansel and Gretel. And of course, they all lived happily ever after. Except for the witch, because her house was ruined.
(There is much ridiculous singing and dancing to the same song we used in the last show, because we were too lazy to find a new one.)
