Winning IS Everything, After All

My English Drama Club was in its second competition on Saturday. If you’ll recall, we finished our first competition in second place. This time out we laid waste to our adversaries and secured first place and a trip to Seoul to compete nationally. So that’s pretty cool.

As a theatre and English major you might think I would be predisposed to getting Korean students to act in English. But these competitions seem to have surprisingly little to do with actual acting. One thing directors in normal theatre are not supposed to do is give line readings to their actors; tell them how to say a line. With this play, though, that’s pretty much all we did. The movements and gestures are all carefully choreographed and rehearsed ad nauseum (the whole thing is less than ten minutes long, but we managed to have a few three hour rehearsals nonetheless). Sound effects, music clips, and dancing are a must according to the students, which is how they wound up sneaking High School Musical into this thing when I missed rehearsal one day. But I’m not sure how much the students here want to act (and some of them have the potential to be really good) and how much they really just want to win. Or learn to speak English better. Whatever the motivation, they did a fantastic job and put on a good show, despite our budget and performance space both being drastically reduced in size in comparison to our first effort, so I’m posting the video below for you to see. Under the video I’ll paste the script, so if you feel the need to follow along to better understand the words you can go right ahead.

My next post will come after my Japan trip, so ‘til then, dear readers!

SUPERHEROES

(The play takes place in an average school. PETER is alone in a classroom, reading a comic book. The NARRATOR walks among the other characters, sometimes interacting.)

NARRATOR
Behold, Peter, a seemingly normal young man. But hidden underneath his average appearance, there is hero waiting to be born!

(BEN walks by and pushes Peter out of his chair.)

BEN
Nerd!

PETER
Ow! Jerk…

NARRATOR
The hero has been waiting for a long time, but I think he’s almost ready now.

(Ben turns around and goes back to Peter.)

BEN
What did you say?

PETER
Nothing.

BEN
That’s right!

(Ben hits Peter for emphasis and walks away again.)

NARRATOR
Okay, any second now…

(Peter gets up and sits back in his chair. He picks up his comic book again.)

PETER
What a bully!

NARRATOR
Seriously, I know it’s coming.

PETER
I wish I could be more like… Action Man!

(Superhero music, the Narrator puts a cape on Peter.)

NARRATOR
There it is!

PETER
(He sighs.)
But I’m not really a superhero. I’m just a normal kid.

NARRATOR
Oh, come on! I know what you need… a sidekick!

(EMMA enters the classroom, carrying her books for class.)

EMMA
Are you okay, Peter?

PETER
Yeah Emma, I’m fine. It’s just Ben being mean again.

EMMA
He’s such a jerk. There must be a way to teach him a lesson!

PETER
You’re right! If we work together, I’m sure we can think of something.

EMMA
Um, are you wearing a cape?

(The Narrator swoops in and puts a cape on Emma, too.)

PETER
I guess so. But so are you.

NARRATOR
Behold, the greatest superhero team of all time!

(Superhero music.)

EMMA
Where’s that music coming from?

NARRATOR
But wait! Another approaches!

(Music. BRUCE enters the classroom.)

PETER
Oh great, it‘s that jock, Bruce.

BRUCE
Hi, guys. What’s with the capes?

EMMA
We’re not sure. I think we’re superheroes.

BRUCE
Peter, you look upset. What’s wrong?

PETER
It’s Ben. He’s always so mean to me.

BRUCE
Yeah, Ben can be mean sometimes.

EMMA
We’re going to teach him a lesson.

BRUCE
How?

PETER
We don’t know yet. But I have a good imagination.

EMMA
And I’ve got the smarts.

BRUCE
Well maybe I can help, too. Ben does need to learn that it’s not okay to pick on people.

PETER
What can you do?

BRUCE
Well… I’m strong. Like, really strong.

NARRATOR
(Puts a cape on Bruce.)
And so, our dynamic duo became a trio! A League of Heroes set against the school bully!
(Superhero music.)

PETER
Where do these capes keep coming from?

NARRATOR
Meanwhile, the villain meets with his henchmen in their hideout… er, I mean, the hallway.

(Peter, Emma, and Bruce all freeze while Ben enters with his friends OTTO and JEAN.)

OTTO
Hey Ben, I think we’re going to be late for class…

BEN
Who cares?

JEAN
Um, me?

BEN
Shut up, Jean.

OTTO
Why can’t we just go to class?

BEN
Because, Otto, we’re going to catch whoever’s late to class, and shake ‘em down for their lunch money!

JEAN
Ohh, now I see.

OTTO
Good plan, Ben!

BEN
I know. I’m a genius.

NARRATOR
An evil genius. The arch-nemesis of our superheroes: Bully Man!
(Music, pause.)
It’s okay to boo him, if you want.

BEN
Now come on, you morons, follow me!

(Ben, Otto, and Jean all exit. )

NARRATOR
Back in the classroom, The League of Heroes confers.

EMMA
So what do you think we should do?

BRUCE
Well, I could use my awesome muscles to punch Ben in the face. He’d never see it coming!

PETER
Real heroes never have to use violence, Muscle Man.

BRUCE
But Batman uses it all the time!

PETER
Are you Batman?

BRUCE
No.

PETER
Didn’t think so.

EMMA
Okay Peter, if we can’t hurt Ben back, how can we teach him a lesson?

PETER
You’re the smart one, you tell me.

EMMA
But this was all your idea. You’re the one with the imagination.

NARRATOR
(sighs.)
Guys, guys, don’t you think you should be working together?

(Peter, Emma, and Bruce all jump, surprised.)

BRUCE
Where did you come from?

NARRATOR
Never mind that. Just stop arguing and start thinking!

PETER
Hey, this mysterious woman is right! We should all be working together.

NARRATOR
(sighs again.)
Thank you.
(He snaps his fingers.)
Disappear!

EMMA
Hey, where’d she go?

BRUCE
I have no idea what’s going on.

PETER
Focus, guys! How can we work together to teach Ben a lesson?

EMMA
Well, Ben likes to beat up on people smaller than him, right?

PETER
Does he ever.

EMMA
Then maybe we can use Bruce as a bodyguard!

PETER
Wow, great idea!

BRUCE
I like it. He’ll never get past these guns!
(Bruce flexes his biceps.)

NARRATOR
And so, our heroes were on their way to stopping their nemesis! But we still have one last hero before the final showdown…

(Sue enters, already wearing her superhero outfit, carrying her guitar.)
The Musician! Using the gift of song to save the world!

SUE
Hey, guys.

PETER, EMMA, & BRUCE
Hi, Sue!

SUE
What’re you doing?

PETER
Oh, we’re superheroes.

SUE
All of you?

EMMA
Yeah, we’re a League of Superheroes, actually. You want to join?

SUE
No, thanks. I usually fly solo.

EMMA
Oh. I see.

SUE
No offense to you guys.

BRUCE
None taken.

PETER
Yeah, it’s totally okay.

SUE
Okay, then.
(Pause.)
You mind if I practice in here until class starts?

PETER, EMMA, BRUCE
Of course!

SUE
Thanks!

(Sue goes over to the corner and begins to practice her guitar.)

NARRATOR
Well, that didn’t go like I‘d hoped. Maybe it’ll work out in the end. Anyways, back to the hallway, where the villainous Ben and his henchmen are putting their plan into action!

(Peter, Emma, Bruce, and Sue all freeze. Ben, Otto, and Jean enter.)

OTTO
And then, the other nerd, he said -

BEN
Shh! Someone’s coming. Otto you stand there. Jean, behind me.

(Otto goes to where Ben points, stage left, and Jean counter crosses stage right. All three pretend to be going about their normal business. Hank enters, carrying an armload of books.)

JEAN
Hey there.

BEN
Shut up, Jean. Hey there, loser.

HANK
Me?

BEN
You see any other losers around here?

HANK
Um, no?

OTTO
That’s right, loser.

BEN
Shut up, Otto.

OTTO
Sorry.

(Ben approaches Hank.)

BEN
What have we here, geek?

HANK
Just… my homework.

BEN
Oh, it’s just your homework, huh? Then I guess you don’t mind if I do… this!

(Otto and Jean, one on each side of Hank, slam his books and papers to the floor.)

HANK
Hey!

(Otto and Jean each grab one of Hank’s arms.)

HANK
Let go!

JEAN
Quit squirming, you little runt!

BEN
You got any lunch money? Any food? Hand it over, geek!

HANK
I don’t have anything, I swear!

OTTO
Then we’ll just have to take… all of your homework!

(Bruce, Emma, and Peter enter.)

PETER
Unhand that nerd, villain!
(Superhero music.)

BEN
Oh? And who’s going to make me?

EMMA
We are! The League of Superheroes!

BEN
Ooo, I’m shaking in my shoes. Go get ‘em, friends!

(Otto and Jean leap forward, but Bruce steps out and flexes his biceps at them.)

BRUCE
Muscle power!

(Jean and Bruce stop and stumble back.)

OTTO
Whoa!

JEAN
I’m not going to mess with him!

(They both turn and run away.)

BEN
Wait, come back!
(They don’t.)
Fine. You guys are losers, too!
(He turns back to face Bruce, Peter, and Emma. Meanwhile, Hank hides in the background, watching.)
I can take all three of you on at once, by myself!

PETER
Ben, wait!

BEN
Wait for what?

PETER
Why do you want to beat us up?

BEN
Because… you’re nerds? You’re weird? You’re smaller than me?

BRUCE
I’m not smaller than you.

EMMA
But Ben, how many friends do you have?

BEN
I’ve got Otto and Jean.

PETER
But are they your friends, or are they just afraid of you?

BEN
What’s the difference?

NARRATOR
Oh, my.

PETER
Your friends want to hang out with you, and help you, and have fun with you. Do they do that?

BEN
Well… I guess they mostly just punch what I tell them to punch.

EMMA
Those aren’t friends, Ben. They’re henchmen.

BEN
Are you… are you saying that nobody likes me?
(Ben sounds as if he is about to cry.)

BRUCE
Well, it’s just that when you go around being mean to people…

PETER
…that’s the effect you have.

EMMA
Nobody wants to hang out with a bully.

BEN
But… but everybody already thinks I’m a bully. How can I convince people to be friends with me?

PETER
You could start by apologizing to Hank over there.

(Hank steps forward and Ben goes up to meet him. Hank looks scared, but Ben picks up his book and hands it to him.)

BEN
Sorry about that. I won’t be mean to you anymore.

HANK
Really?

BEN
Really.

HANK
Wow! Thanks, League of Superheroes!

(Music.)

PETER, EMMA, & BRUCE
You’re welcome!

EMMA
See, Ben, it’s getting better already!

BEN
Will you guys help me? To make friends and stuff?

PETER
Of course! If we all work together, there’s nothing we can’t do!

(Sue enters with her guitar.)

SUE
Hey, guys. How’s the superhero thing going?

BRUCE
Awesome! I think we just added a new member!

BEN
Really?

EMMA
Of course!

NARRATOR
And so, the League of Superheroes adds its fourth member!
(Narrator puts a cape on Ben, superhero music plays.)
And everybody learned a valuable lesson: That if we all work together, we can change anything!

SUE
Hey guys, I’ve been working on a new song! Want to hear it?

PETER
Of course!

SUE
Okay, here goes!

(Song and dance.)

THE END.

Into the 4th Dimension

I can’t believe I haven’t talked about this yet. I live in Daejeon, which really wants to be Korea’s science and technology capital. In fact, in the city’s motto, “It’s Daejeon”, the “It’s” is a cleverly-disguised acronym for “Information, Technology, and Science”. I met a guy on Friday night who does research into nuclear waste disposal.

“I use a glass box and protecting gloves,” he said.

“Like Homer Simpson?”

“Exactly like Home Simpson.”

This is not an uncommon conversation for me. Most Korean men I meet (who aren’t students) in Daejeon seem to work in Techno Valley, a district in the northern part of the city where I can only assume scientists are hard at work on several variations of Doomsday Machines.

Korea will soon unveil its “XXL Hadron Collider”.

Nothing is quite so humbling as asking someone what they do for a living and having it go like this:

“I do research for nanotechnology.”

“Like, microscopic robots?”

“Yes. What did you study?”

“Um… English and Theatre.”

It’s not just the super-science that South Korea is into, though. The country is also home to two of the largest electronics brands in the world in Samsung and LG. In America you’d probably think of flat-screen TV’s and maybe cell phones when you read those brands, but in Korea they make everything. And I do mean everything. If you live in a high-rise apartment in Korea, chances are that it’s either a Samsung or LG apartment building (or maybe a Hyundai). And they export their architectural skills, too. Samsung is responsible for the Burj Dubai, AKA the New Tower of Babel, which forced our angry God into causing two hundred extra languages to spontaneously appear.

Gorzanese 101 will be available at your local community college for the Fall semester.

All this is to say that when any new technology becomes available to the masses here, chances are it will be exploited as hard anyone can exploit anything. Case in point, the whole 3D craze in movies right now. Yes, they have massive 3D screens on which they show all the latest movies, but Korea does America one D better: they have 4D. I’m not kidding. I thought at first that watching a 4D movie would allow me to travel in time.

 

This misconception was exacerbated when Doc Brown was there to personally sell me my ticket.

What 4D does is essentially turn your movie-going experience into an extended theme park ride. My friend Brian and I made the wise decision to shell out the few extra Won to see Piranha 3D in 4D. While watching most movies like this would probably just be annoying, watching a movie about killer fish eating naked girls while your seat gently sways with the motion of the onscreen boat, or something punches you in the ass when the fish bite the girl floating in the inflatable tube, is pretty stellar. The theatre blasted air in my face, sprayed water at me, and, during a party scene, put a laser light show on the ceiling. The first one of these theatres popped up in Seoul a few weeks after Avatar was released. Now, there are tons of them. Things like that change very rapidly in Korea.

Case in point: Korean Monopoly. I played this on my very first night in Daejeon with Sookhee and her two sons. It’s just like regular Monopoly, except that you don’t have to own all the properties of one color to build on them. You also don’t have to build four houses before you build a hotel, and you can build as many hotels as you can squeeze onto the square. In other words, buy a scrap of land, and build as much as you can as quickly as you can. That’s how it goes here. Most times you just look out the window of the bus and think, “Hey, those giant apartment buildings weren’t here last time I was here.” Sometimes, though, they take a jackhammer to the side of your apartment building at 8AM on a Sunday.

That’s all for this update, folks. Next time I’ll have the results of this Saturday’s English drama competition! Til then, dear readers.